Perversity 5: Repeal the Magna Carta?

[Reminder: about one in every four “Perspectives,” labeled as a “Perversity,” is not to be taken seriously]

It seems that our president, upset at the slow pace of the mass deportations he had promised, has identified the root of the problem: the Anglo-American legacy of human rights. Accordingly, and as always, he is bravely slashing away at this fundamental obstacle. We bring you a transcript, obtained by means we are not free to reveal, of a recent private conversation with his legal counsellor:

Trump: What is it with these judges? Why do they keep getting in the way when I’m trying to get rid of people I don’t like?

Counsellor: Well, it seems that they are kind of hung up on the idea of due process. The idea has been around for a long time, you know.

Trump: I don’t give a s---- how long it’s been around. It sounds really quaint and weird to me. Due process? What the hell does that mean, anyway?

Counsellor: I know it can be inconvenient, but it means that the government cannot actually deport someone without a proper legal proceeding.

Trump: That’s nonsense! I made it clear that such out-of-date notions were no longer tolerable. Didn’t I say clearly that “When somebody is the president of the United States, the authority is total and that’s the way it’s got to be.”*

Counsellor: The problem, Mr. President, is that these notions – idiotic as they may be – go all the way back in our legal tradition, all the way to the Magna Carta.

Trump: Magna Carta? What’s that?

Counsellor: Well, sir, in 1215 British nobles forced King John to sign a Magna Carta – that is, sir, a Great Charter – that guaranteed everyone against arbitrary actions by the crown and set out legal rights like due process.

Trump: What a wimp old Johnny must have been! Why didn’t he just refuse to pay attention to judge’s orders, like I do? And are you telling me that this piece of idiotic woke fantasy is still in place?

Coounsellor: Well, sir, it has never been repealed. The British seem to put great store by it. For over 800 years, all kings abided by it, and as inheritors of British common law we are part of the same tradition.

Trump: Not any more we’re not! The King may be limited in his powers but I am not! It’s time for a real Liberation Day! Tell my secretary to get Keir* on the phone! I want that damned Charter or whatever the hell it is to be revoked, and right away!

Counsellor: Now you might find that a bit sticky, sir. The British have this peculiar habit of hanging onto old and obsolescent things. It might take some time to force them to give up their legal rights.

Trump: I’ll give him a week to get it done, and if he doesn’t, I’ll invoke a one hundred percent tariff on all British imports, even real Cheddar cheese. Hell, I’ll make it two hundred percent on Scotch whiskey, since I don’t drink anyway.

Counsellor: Maybe we would all be better off if you did, sir.

*Actual quotation, not a satire

**Keir Starmer, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom